I was bored (and the fact I can never remember my username) so I decided to make a new LJ account. Isn't that sad?
SEXVODKAMIX

Repeat of high school. YIPPIE.
But amazing campus. Tis lovely.

I don't love music. I don't love art. Everything in my world isn't real. Everything I once loved, felt, dreamed about is nothing but an illusion. My world tonight in my car made sense. The constants in my life are the things that keep me down. The things I love/d are the things that help me escape.

I wish...

I feel like such a bad friend. :[

Some people just make you feel like crap; makes me wonder why I keep them around.

I wonder what is going to happen to the all of us. What happens when I go off to China, or Katie goes off to school. What happens when a majority of us move out and live on our own? Of all of us, who will fail? Who will succeed? Will we be the same? Who will help us when we're down? When we need someone to be around? Will we make new friends that care for us?

Sometimes I cannot wait for that moment to leave; to be free in the real world and just do whatever I want, whenever I want, hypothetically speaking of course. But at times, when I feel like a friend may need me, I feel saddened at the thought. Who will be here to offer to drive to their house at 2:30 in the morning? Who is going to be there to make sure I'm okay? Who is going to make sure my friends are okay?

Makes me wonder. Are we all going to be okay? Will we all make it?

He has poisoned me. My mind and soul. Males are such horrid creatures. However I allowed myself to even think of them in a possitive manner is beyond me.

My summer is dead. Working all day Thursday and Friday. Saturday I am going to Mel's thing. Then one more week of vacation. How dreadfully depressing.









I feel pain from yesterday.
Fuck. This cannot be good.
But I feel strangely vindictive.

High school is officially over, marked by a graduation and a diploma. After four years of lack of sleep, coffee runs, procrastinating, and doodling on papers, my high school career has ended. Thinking about the future makes me sad and scared. This was probably the last time that I am going to see a portion of my class. It is time to face the music and realize that it is time to grow up. Time to realize that everything is going to change from this point forward.

Looking at facebook, I felt strangely upset, then again, I am listening to Graduation by Vitamin C. At this point in time, I realized that a lot of kids are going off to orientation or have already been, that people are moving, working, having graduation parties, et cetera. I myself am going off to orientation in four days and it has not hit me whatsoever.

College is just around the corner. Summer is here and I want to use my time wisely and share it with the ones I love and just have some fun.

---

Graduation was so weird. Standing in the back room thinking about how hot it was and thinking about how much I wanted to go into the large air-conditioned cement room with hundreds of other people, people of which I did not know, hundreds of people who were related to the ones surrounding me. Walking down the path, all I could think about was where everybody was and why this process of graduation was taking so long. Seeing familiar faces put a smile on my face and hearing my name beening shouted, I felt a strange twinge of pride, but it is sad thinking that this was the defining moment in my life where I just could not turn back, where from this moment on, I could say I was a high school graduate. Sitting down and listening to the speakers, I could not help but slowly begin to drift off and just stare into the faces of which I have seen so many times. After a dreadfully long wait, they began calling the names of my fellow classmates. Watching each person walk across the state put a strange smile to my face, knowing that we all worked so hard to be there on that stage so that our family, friends, and whoever could see us receive our diplomas. When my name came up, I felt confident. I was to walk across that stage, smile, take the diploma, smile, and then walk off. Hearing the clapping and the cheering just made me smile more. After graduation, a bunch of people gathered outside to say their goodbyes. The weather was perfect, not hot nor cold, not bright, but not dark. Seeing everyone with their families made me strangely giddy. This is how I am going to remember everyone. My last impressions of them all. Billy Baxter holding his little baby brother or cousin. Cara Dawson driving her dad's car. Denise and a group of friends smiling. Vinodh extremely smiley. Rittner standing in the middle of a crowd. Z with his mom speaking Chinese. Kerry's dress. Anisha and Justin with their families. At the time it did not seem so final, but not that I think of it, thats the end. That was the end of a chapter of our lives and we can never relive it or change it. What I have learned in high school is, do things in the moment; I hate regretting all the actions that were left undone and all the words that were left unsaid. Good bye high school; I think I'm ready for a new challenge.

These next few weeks are going to be the last ten days of high school, ever. It is weird to think that the beginning of the year was around eight months ago and I was talking to Katie hoping this year was going to be "okay" and memorable. Most of this year, I cannot say I enjoyed; I wasted a good majority of it sleeping. The downhill of this year must have started around October, when I lost/someone stole my phone, but I shall not blame my extremely blah senior year in high school on that.

Sometimes I wish things about this year could change. But sometimes I like how it all turned out. Even though some of my friends parted a bit from where we started back in September, I have become closer to other people and just gained insight on others.

If you asked where I would have been this time around back in August, I do not know what I would have said. I miss those days back in August when things were just so careless and boring, yet great. In August, I just hope to be parepared for college, maybe in China, and just doing something. After this summer, things will be different: I'm strangely giddy, yet annoyed at hell because I'm going to be in the sticks. But at least I know one thing: I will always have my Starbucks (...and [hopefully] my friends).

I hope to make the most of my last ten days... or at least sleep through them all. Whichever works best. I'll post again in around 24 days, or less, with basically the same exact contents, except for a few changed numbers.

So, right now I'm not at school, but I don't care whatsoever. I completely screwed myself up this morning by not going. BUT I really don't care. I mean, I'm at home, signing up for some random RAP program that I don't even want to do for college because the program I wanted to do, the link doesn't work and well.. ARGH. This frustrates me. Whatever. Fucking links. I should complain. Therefore, I will.

My random college talk.

I just signed up for stuff that opened today for college, because I mean, thats what people do as they're slacking off, you know? I am enrolled, I am going to attempt to finish four Gen ED courses from my RAP program, I know where I am living, and might I add, as pretty as it may be, I'm not sure about it. It is quite isolated, the rooms are smaller, and the bathroom:people ratio is not looking well. Maybe I should have done the other RAP program... damn. I don't know. Anyways. Yeah. Just need a roommate and to go to orientation to take my writing exam; which I took my math placement test and am not at all satisfied with my score-fucking math.

Anyways, yeah.

This is what I do on my days off where I actually screw myself over for not coming to school, but it is okay, because I care (0%), that much. Yippie.

Work tonight. 4-10.
Art, fitting Tues.
RI Honors thing Wed.
Art class Thurs.
Probably work? Fri.
Work Sat.

Welcome to my life.

I hate the advertisements on LJ.
So, I've been randomly busy and such.
Didn't really do anything though.
School. Work. People.
Yeah, thats it.

Sitting in my pile of books, clothes, and random shit, I am here contemplating life as it is and how much has and has not changed. Each day goes by where I think "wow, I really hate how things are," and each and every day I wonder why I do not bother to change anything. My days are short and simple; nothing complicated, nothing new, nothing special. Its predictable. And it is safe.

While sitting amongst my fellow detentioners this afternoon, I wondered how people became the way they are. How people have changed the last I saw of them and what I rememebered of them. My mind started to warp back into the days where everyone was happy, content, and drug-free. There I sat, my mind wondering, and I realized that everyone changes: for the bad and for the good. Even as much as I hate it, so have I. It took me a while to realize how much pain and suffering some had to go through to be where they are now, seeming content, but really probably not. It give me great pain to think that some people are just slowly killing themselves and how some drastic change, like college, might be good for some people, but then again, maybe worse.

Everything will soon change as soon as day one of college begins. How I wonder how much everyone will change the next time I see them, if I even see anyone ever again. Some people who have just been on horrible paths throughout all of high school, I hope they get their lives together and change for the better. I really wonder who is going to change the most; who will stay the same; who will becomes friends that you would not expect; who will marry who, et cetera.

Only time will tell.

Random: Corinne Bailey Rae is pure love. Trouble Sleeping. Irony. No?

You know when you sometimes just feel free? Free of everything, you just forget for a split second all the problems within your life and realize how truly amazing everything is? I had one of those amazing moments the other day while running through Toll Gate.

I love how everything is now ending. I accept the fact that my grandparents and maybe even my dad will not be at my gradution. I accept this. I accept the burdens that come with life, the things that people must overcome each and every day. This is a wonderful epiphany in which I will soon forget in the morning.

After all this time in high school, I just feel releaved. It's weird. This time last week I felt overwhelmed with college and a bunch of other things that just made me completely miserable, but now I am just accepting life as it comes and in all honesty, it's not that bad.

A thought right now that is just lingering within my mind just makes me want to smile and say, "damn," but I've never been so strangely happy. I'm going to really miss days like this. Playing Eqyptian Rat Slap in a cafe. It was just so great. I'm probably not going to have many more of these moments.

While driving home I felt extremely content, with my random Switchfoot and Augustana playing in the background. Some things just me want to smile or just get out of my car and run around in the fog. Life is just randomly good: I have enrolled to college AND bought a prom dress, what more can I really ask for?

I had a long conversation with my aunt today. It made me wake up and in a way "smell the coffee." My mind is made: I am going to University of Massachusetts at Amherst. There is no turning back. No more regrets. It is where I am suppose to go in the fall, maybe no where I will end up, but for now that is my set path in life.

This year has been a blur. Beginning of the year I felt free and had my share of fun; middle of the year I felt constantly tired and just stressed, but here is the end. Here lies the end of the last 3.75 years of my life. What I have noticed is I have become something that I never really expected; I have done things I would have frowned upon 3.75 years ago and as of this moment, I have no regrets for any of it, because theres no going back and point of exerting so much energy in stressing out or just wishing something changed. This is what my life has becomes. This is what it is.

Only one more quarter of high school, ever. It makes me sad that I am leaving a place I have known so well for the past 2.75 years. It's weird. Everything I ever wanted in a college I turned down for everything I said I did not want. But honestly, I cannot wait to leave. College. I am looking forward to it, even if it means I am going to hate it or even fail. It is okay though; whatever happens, happens.

Bad news.
I'm worried for my family.
The end.

So today people just randomly talked about LJ, namely Mel and Katherine would would account for basically half my LJ friends, so here I am.

I was really tired before, but now I'm just not. The side effects of coffee, which now it is completely understandable why I gave up coffee/frapps. This does make sense. Coffee has this strange effect on me. I had a coffee-ish thing at 4 pm and here I am, almost 12 hours later, not tired. WTF. This just isn't right.

Anyways, I did more college research. I realized, I'm fucked either way. Yeah. Whatever. Flip a coin and go to one should be my new policy.

I want a tattoo, which I've probably talked about before and everyone already knows about. Chelsea wants one too, so we're both going to get one on the same day. Sucks that I'm not eighteen. If only. I was looking up designs online, when it occurred to me, why don't I just design my own? I'll probably hate it and it'll take me a while to create one that I like, but I mean, I'm going to get one in around a little less than nine months.

I ran out of things to say. Um. Life is okay. -shrugs- I'm perfectly content with life, no complains, minus the fact I want to vomit, but whatever.

I take this every so often and these are the results I received this time:

You are a Social Moderate (41% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (38% permissive) You are best described as a: Centrist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

This is the year I reform into something different. Be afraid..

I'm probably not going to write in this much; I just created one so I could comment and such. The page is really messed up, I know. O yeah, this is Pam.